前两天批改了一篇初三学生的作文，题目是讨论「农耕的优缺点」（Farming vs. Gathering）。这篇文章挺有意思的——学生展现了不错的独立思考，但语言基本功上的问题也比较典型。我把它完整记录下来，作为一个批改案例分享给大家。
先看原稿
题目要求：120-200词，按”坏处→好处→我的看法”三段结构写。
Farming had both the good ways and the bad sides. First, the bad sides are foods are hard to digest. For example. The wheats are very hard. So the farmers were lose so many tooth. And the sheeps milk aren’t health for our body. So the farmer’s body were very thin. But this is only one point. The farmers huddle in a big village. When one person is ill. He will go to the river to defecate. The next day the people go to the river and take a bath. Soon all the people got ill too. But the gatherers can move the house whenever they so probability of them getting sick will decrease.
However, there’re some good sides too. Just like the foods can easier to grow or production. If you want some wheat. Just pants some seed, water them and wait wait they grow. If you want to drink sheep milk. Just bought two sheep. They can give birth to lambs. Next you can have lost of milk from ewe.
In my opinion I think some time is bad. But some it is very practical.
读第一遍的感觉：能读懂他想说什么，但每一句都有语法问题。 这正是很多初中生作文的共同状态——脑子里有观点，但英语表达跟不上。
📊 厦门灯塔威廉老师批改数据： 在我批改过的150+篇初中英语作文中，80%以上的扣分集中在四个核心问题：时态混乱、主谓不一致、名词复数错误、句式不完整。而这个学生一篇作文里把这四个问题全踩了一遍。
逐句批改
第一大段：农耕的坏处
| 原文问题 | 批注 | 修改建议 |
|---|---|---|
| Farming had both the good ways and the bad sides | ”ways”和”sides”混用，搭配不自然 | Farming had both good sides and bad sides |
| the bad sides are foods are hard to digest | ”are”句式混搭，两个谓语动词连用 | First, food was hard to digest |
| The wheats are very hard | 时态错误（应用过去时）；“wheats”不可数 | Wheat was very hard |
| the farmers were lose so many tooth | ”were lose”→“lost”；“tooth”→“teeth” | the farmers lost many teeth |
| the sheeps milk aren’t health | ”sheeps”→“sheep’s”；“aren’t”→“wasn’t”；“health”→“healthy” | sheep’s milk wasn’t healthy |
我个人最喜欢这句有创意却写错了的话：“The farmers were lose so many tooth.” —— 吃硬谷物导致牙齿磨损，这是一个真实的考古学发现！农业革命后古人的牙齿确实比狩猎采集时期磨损更严重。学生把这个历史视角用英语表达出来，思路非常棒！但”were lose so many tooth”三个词全错了😂。
再看这句很精彩的观点：
The farmers huddle in a big village. When one person is ill, He will go to the river to defecate. The next day the people go to the river and take a bath. Soon all the people got ill too.
学生想表达的是：农耕导致定居→定居导致卫生问题→疾病传播。这个因果链条从逻辑上是完整的，而且”去河边排便→别人在河里洗澡→大家全病了”的这个例子非常有画面感。从内容角度看，这是亮点。
但语言上问题不少：时态混乱（huddle/huddle/huddled混用，is/were混乱），“defecate”一词对初中生过于直白，多个句子不完整。
第二大段：农耕的好处
学生写道种麦子只需要”plant some seeds, water them and wait wait they grow”，养羊可以挤奶。观点清晰，但语言问题依然密集：
- “pants some seed” → “plant some seeds”（拼写+单复数）
- “wait wait they grow” → “wait for them to grow”（重复+缺介词）
- “have lost of milk” → “have lots of milk”（lost和lots拼写混淆）
第三段：我的看法
In my opinion I think some time is bad. But some it is very practical.
两个问题：“In my opinion”和”I think”重复表达；“some time”应改为”sometimes”。结尾也过于仓促，没有好好总结自己的观点。
评分
| 维度 | 得分 | 评语 |
|---|---|---|
| 内容 (10分) | 6/10 | 主题明确，有创意视角但论证不够深入 |
| 语言 (10分) | 5/10 | 语法错误较多，但能表达基本意思 |
| 结构 (5分) | 4/5 | 按要求三段结构完成，过渡清晰但结尾仓促 |
| 总分 (25分) | 15/25 | 思路有亮点，语言准确性和细节需要加强 |
优化版全文
Farming had both good sides and bad sides. First, food was hard to digest. For example, wheat was very hard, so farmers lost many teeth. Also, sheep’s milk was not healthy for their bodies, so the farmers’ bodies were very thin. But this was only one problem. The farmers huddled together in a big village. When one person was ill, he would go to the river to relieve himself. The next day, the people went to the river and took a bath. Soon, all the people fell ill too. In contrast, the gatherers could move their houses whenever they wanted to, so the chance of them getting sick was much lower.
However, there were some good sides too. Food was easier to grow and produce. If you wanted some wheat, you could just plant some seeds, water them, and wait for them to grow. If you wanted to drink sheep’s milk, you could just buy two sheep. They could give birth to lambs, and then you would have lots of milk from the ewes.
In my opinion, farming had both advantages and disadvantages. Sometimes it was bad for people’s health, but sometimes it was very practical.
给家长和同学的三个建议
从这个案例可以看到，初中英语作文最常见的三个问题：
1️⃣ 时态统一
写历史类话题，全文用过去时。很多孩子边写边切换，写到后面忘了前面用什么时态。建议：写之前先决定时态，写完后通读一遍专查时态。
2️⃣ 名词复数
tooth→teeth, sheep→sheep（单复数同形），farmer→farmers，sheep’s milk（所有格）。这些基础名词变化需要系统掌握。
3️⃣ 句子完整度
“Just plant some seeds.” “If you want some wheat.” ——这些都不是完整的句子。每个句子都要有主语+谓语。初中阶段特别容易写出这种”半截句”。
最后想说
这位学生的思路让我印象深刻。很多同学不是不会思考，而是想法很好但写不出来——那问题就不在”英语能力”上，而是在”英语表达习惯”上。
英语作文提高，核心就两步：
- 思路要清晰——先想清楚再写
- 表达要规范——写完后一句一句检查
如果你家孩子也存在同样的问题（作文能读懂但扣分多），不妨让孩子写一篇发给我，我来做一次完整的逐句批改。看看问题到底出在哪里，比盲目刷10篇题还有用。
📌 相关推荐： 如果你想了解中考作文的常见扣分点和改进方法，推荐阅读 《中考英语作文的四种常见扣分点》 —— 75%的扣分集中在四个核心问题，提前认识这些陷阱，考试才能有效避开。
厦门灯塔 · 专业英语作文逐句批改 | 微信 linstudio799 专注中高考/雅思写作 · 累计批改300+篇 · 逐句精批 + 逻辑重构 + 母语级升级